Awhile back, a man who I love very much decided that he wanted to deal with some serious personal problems alone.
Unfortunately, he meant “alone” with a capital A — no more relationship or even contact with me at all.
I have a huge amount of respect for him and that decision. At the time I told him that I would be there for him no matter what, which remains true. But, being there for him does not include me trying in any way, shape, or form to stay in touch with him.
If he wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me, but my respect for his decision includes leaving him the hell alone.
It really hurt, and I hated losing him, but I have accepted his departure.
One by one, over the next several months after that breakup, my friends each suggested I get in touch with my ex — and made reasonable and compelling cases for why I should do so.
My “shouldn’t I or should I call my ex” dilemma strikes to the heart of several relationship issues that I deal help women deal with. In fact, helping women get their exes back is my specialty.
That’s why it’s worth talking about times when we don’t choose to do anything to get an ex back — and this situation of mine is a good example.
Here’s why I will never get in touch with my ex or do anything to try and get him back even though I love him and know our relationship worked well when it was going on.
1. I want a full relationship with this man or nothing.
One friend suggested that I could lovingly get in touch and offer support as a human being trying to help another human being in trouble. The problem is, I can’t offer my support without hoping for more.
I will not settle for offering endless “friendship” and emotional support until our chemistry dies forever because of my misguided, sweet attempts to “save him.”
If he wants to step back into our relationship now or at any point in the future, he knows exactly where to find me.
Checking in, checking up, helping out, or trying to get involved in fixing his problems are not behaviors that make sense anymore since he clearly said “no” to me and my particular brand of amazing.
2. It’s time to stop lying to myself about what I want and what I’m really doing.
I could tell myself five ways from Sunday that I was trying to “be a good human being” and “I care about him as a person” but real talk — I would be lying — worst of all to myself.
I want him. I cannot and will not pretend or downgrade my feelings for him into friendly caring about “how things are going.”
We have to consider the concept that we’re not angels and sometimes our very presence could make things worse.
All of the gentle, caring actions in the world are not valuable if they offend the person you’re obsessively “caring” about. In some cases, “caring” masquerades as control. If you feel out of control about a situation, what better way than to gain control than to try and “help”?
I DO care about him as a person. That’s why I’m leaving him the hell alone.