Last night, I had the distinct pleasure of seeing a press screening of the latest 50 Shades of Grey film, 50 Shades Darker.
I also had the distinct pleasure of taking my boyfriend to see it with me, and I am pleased to report that there is nothing better than making a straight man watch a 50 Shades related feature.
“Getting really ostentatious with the cunnilingus, aren’t they?” He whispered to me about 20 minutes in.
He was not wrong.
If you found the last movie to be like a well shot R-rated Dove chocolate ad, I’m pleased to report that the sequel is much the same.
If you found the last movie to be completely boring and void of any actual events, then I am pleased to report that 50 Shades Darker is action packed.
In fact, so much happens that it’s almost … terrible?
All this and lots of shirtless Jamie Dornan too.
I’ll be writing a few more pieces about the movie when it rolls out, but for now, I thought I’d share the most ridiculous moments from the film, in the hopes that writing them down would banish them from my brain forever.
1. When Ana tries to throw away Christian’s flowers.
So OK, at the abrupt end of the first 50 Shades flick, Ana and Christian had ended things.
Ana wants more, and Christian is all “BUT MY SEX CONTRACT.”
Now he wants her back, so he buys her like, easily $100 worth of white roses, which Ana pretends to think about throwing away complete with the vase that was clearly crystal.
A cheap bodega bouquet can get canned, not so with a classy gift like this.
Also, I literally had to look up why they were still in a fight.
2. When Christian buys the company where Ana works.
Because nothing says “I’m not a controlling monster” quite like buying the company where your girlfriend works.
Ana seems as shocked as we are but like, she’s not going anywhere because of that sweet, sweet Christian Grey dick.