Gettin’ down with someone new for the first time is exciting and nerve wracking. There are so many decisions to make! Lights on or lights off? Do you get on top, or do you just park yourself on the bottom and hope for the best? Will it be evident that it’s been a minute?
The thing about it is that once you do it, it really is like riding a bike. You never really forget, you just have to get back on the horse.
Hooking up with a new person for the first time can be totally awesome. Sure, there are awkward moments as you figure out each other’s moves and tastes, but the sexual chemistry carries you through. But there are those other times when your new paramour’s behavior in the bedroom is inexcusable. We all have our limits. Dudes, take heed.
Here are some sex moves that will definitely not get you another lay.
1. Requesting a panicked handjob.
I once let a dude come upstairs after the second date, which is unusual for me. We started making out, and things were going as planned, until I felt the rude awakening of his boner, free from the confines of his pants, poking insistently into my hand.
Out of nothing more than panic, really, I did what I assumed I was meant to do, which was administer a lackluster handjob that ended in, uh… success, but honestly, it was the worst. Here’s the thing, guys. Handjobs are not that fun for us.
I suppose the novelty of the occasional handjob is something to acknowledge, a flashback to say, watching a movie with your high school boyfriend and letting your hands wander where they may. It does have its place, but only in an established relationship, one that you’re in for the long haul. A handjob on the first time we’re seeing each other naked is not the move.
2. Treating my vagina with indignity.
The vagina is a special, delicate thing, appreciative of touch, but also extremely sensitive. It takes a special kind to really know what they’re doing with their hands down there, and when you find that person (or toy!), treasure it forever. If this skill happens to be exhibited during the first time you’re pantsless with a new person, praise be. You are #blessed. If you also happen to like that person, even better!
If this is the situation you find yourself in, congratulations and enjoy. It’s important to realize that for all the correct ways there are to touch a p*ssy, there are just as many wrong ones. Here’s a brief list of things in this region that certainly do not work: Fingernails, pinching, unnecessary prodding, scraping a finger around as if you were trying to get the last bit of peanut butter out of a jar. All are grounds for removal from my bedroom and my life.